Convenient Blaming

Inconvenient Illnesses

On top of the DID with PTSD, I was diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS), Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES) and Fibromyalgia all over the past six years. So, I can no longer work or do much of anything else.

It’s a seriously stressful drag. To add fuel to the fire (CRPS joke), I find out tomorrow if I have Type 2 Diabetes, and a few days ago I found out I have Liver Disease and Stage 2 Kidney Disease.

Why bring this all up regarding DID?

Shaming and blaming.

People with DID are familiar with constant inner dialog. We have multiple parts or alters invested in everything we do, and the parts don’t always get along. Upon finding out about more diagnoses a few days ago, I had an anxiety attack that started arguments between some of my parts. They were conveniently blaming each other for not eating better, for taking all the medications for the other illnesses, for being born, etc. It got pretty bad and I ended-up in a deep depression. Then my parts were shaming and blaming each other for being depressed. I’ve been on a rotten merry-go-round for days.

So, I’m going to work this out here, in writing. As I do this, I will switch quickly through some of my parts who are representing all of us. I know this is going to happen because that’s how my DID works.

I don’t change voices, or make-up and clothing when I switch. I switch too quickly for all that. There are situations that my parts argue over what to wear and I can’t make a decision. But it’s rare. I don’t even know I switch the majority of the time but can look back and see where certain alters took control. The other way I become aware of switching is my internal dialogue. The only time I’m NOT engaged in conversations with multiple parts and switching is when I have effectively distracted myself.

I use distraction for pain management and have gotten very good at it—maybe too good.

Talking it Out

I am ready to step through the fear of being more ill and face reality. So, I will ask myself some “what if” questions and give “so what” answers.

What if I have Diabetes? I believe it’s reversible in many cases, so I do what I can to overcome it.

What if it’s really bad? We’d be in the hospital. It’s not going to be bad.

What if I have to take more medication? It may only be temporary. I trust our doctor.

What if the liver and kidneys get worse? The liver can recover to some extent. It depends on the current damage and we’re having another ultrasound soon. The liver and kidneys can be supported through diet and exercise. We’ve lived through worse. Right!? We always knew life would be shorter because of the other illnesses. We’ll make the most out of what we have.

It all sounds logical, but my heart hurts. That’s normal, you need to grieve, once again, the life you thought you’d have and accept the new one. Being ill is horrible. I agree.

So, what now? Place it in God’s hands. I can do that. I love you. Love you too. Can we all just do the same? Love each other and give it to God? Yep.

Trusting Him,

Jana

P.S.: Communication is key.

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