Quiet Lately

Really Quiet

The voices in my head, that constant noise between parts, have changed. I hear mere whispers most of the day with added coherent and constructive conversation. On a bad day, there is some arguing or otherwise strongly felt communication between parts, but it always gets resolved.

How did I do it? In just one word, Jesus (Just keep reading, it will only take a few minutes.). I know people don’t want to hear this. I know how anti-Jesus people can be these days. Let’s face it, Christianity has become nearly taboo in the mainstream world, because of a few fanatics. Those fanatics take serious topics, like homosexuality or abortion, and find hate in their hearts, rather than love. But Jesus is my Healer.

Jesus showed me how to become more integrated. He showed me that my parts needed to cooperate with one another, and they must be saved. Salvation, believing Jesus as God and man, came into the world to die for all of our sins, was the only way the parts could be restored. Without restoration, the parts would remain trapped in negativity and non-lifegiving thoughts and actions. The parts needed to want to live.

At the time, I had parts that loathed each other and didn’t agree that Jesus is Lord. It was a process to mend relationships between parts and teach them about the Salvation of Christ. But I did it and it worked. I have become more and more integrated over time.

Here’s what I did (and for me this process has taken about six years):

  • I identified as many individual parts as I could.
    • I wrote about each part: I discovered their names, personalities, beliefs, values, relationships, and their roles within my system.
    • I never named them all or discovered all there was about them, and I’m certain the I still have parts today that I haven’t identified.
  • I wrote letters.
    • I wrote letters back-and-forth between parts that didn’t get along. I got serious in these letters. I laid it all bare. I wrote about everything I could think of, including the hate, anger, love and respect. I jumped in, as Jana (my core personality), and stood in the gap as mediator between parts to build loving relationships.
    • I wrote letters between my parts and my core. I met the estranged and wrote to my best friends.
  • I got creative.
    • I made art out of the letters. I scribbled, I drew, I painted. I covered the words I wanted to let go of and left some of the positive ones I wanted to save. I drew portraits on the letters, I painted shapes, turns and twists. This was a seriously cathartic exercise.
    • I wrote a book called, 21 Pieces: Finding Wholeness in Spiritual Truth. The book is a novel based on my story. It is by far the most difficult book I have written to date. All of the others are faith-based non-fiction.
  • I prayed for help.
    • I began to see a neuropsychologist in addition to my psychiatrist and psychologist.

Now it seems that I become more integrated every year as my parts get along and work together in my life.

And it’s been very quiet.

Triggering Fractured People Podcast

Look for me on CastBox, iHeart Radio, Pandora, iTunes and other Podcast streamers.
DID Inside Out, Episode 8

Everyone’s dissociative to some degree. People daydream, fantasize, and distract themselves from the realities of life. People fall into addictions to get away from the world. We watch television and movies, listen to podcasts and music, all to find some temporary relief from the stressors of our personal existence. And some of us, like myself, check out altogether with D.I.D.

Creativity at Church

Pastels and Pencils by Jana Rawling

Prophetic Art

I like to do prophetic art during our worship time at church — sometimes dodging flags and dancers.

First I pray, asking Holy Spirit what He wants me to draw and I get into my Bible and read. I always begin to see part of an image, colors and shapes but I don’t get the whole picture until I begin to draw. The picture emerges so-to-speak and becomes something I may not even understand. Every quick drawing that I do speaks to someone, which is a blessing to me.

Renew Your Mind

Photo by Sarah Noltner on Unsplash

Stop imitating the ideals and opinions of the culture around you, but be inwardly transformed by the Holy Spirit through a total reformation of how you think. This will empower you to discern God’s will as you live a beautiful life, satisfying and perfect in his eyes.

Romans 12:2, The Passion Translation

I Can’t Help It

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is sculpture.jpg
Untitled in progress by Jana Rawling

I Have to Sculpt People

It’s been a while, but I had fun making this guy. I’ll do some finishing touches and wait several months before firing him. Let’s pray he doesn’t bust open in the kiln. I’m still learning…. What should I call him?

“Life motivation comes from the deep longings of the heart, and the passion to see them fulfilled urges you onward.”

Proverbs 16:26, The Passion Translation

The Good Old Daze

Photo by Jennifer Griffin on Unsplash

If Only I Could Remember

Holidays bring family around reminiscing days of old. Which sucks for people with DID.

At our Christmas Eve dinner, I stopped counting how many times someone asked me if I remembered when…. But I couldn’t remember. My siblings started staring at me strangely. I couldn’t be a part of the conversation and none of my alters were helping me out. It was pretty sobering.

The past is such a mystery to me. Now, I’m grateful to know I have been dealing with DID my whole life. I can say I understand when I can’t remember something that happened in the past. I understand that I just wasn’t myself, I was someone else. That someone else carries the memories and if I really need them, I’m sure I will be reminded. Maybe those memories will help me to heal. Maybe they just need to stay where they are.

Waiting to remember,

 Jana

P.S.: I hope you remember your positive childhood holidays.

Help us to remember that our days are numbered, and help us to interpret our lives correctly. Set your wisdom deeply in our hearts so that we may accept your correction.

Psalm 90:12

Masters of Compartmentalization

Photo by Sep on Unsplash

Living in Mental Boxes

Like DID, compartmentalization is a subconscious defense mechanism used to avoid distress and anxiety. This happens when someone has incongruous values, beliefs, emotions, etc. within themselves. Compartmentalization allows for multiple viewpoints that can oppose each other in the same person under different self-states. It can also be an intellectual form of rationalization for having opposing beliefs or values. And it can be a form of emotional detachment and/or used for denial.

An example of compartmentalization for someone with DID could be that one alter, or identity states believes in the death penalty where another doesn’t. Or more simply, that one alter likes sushi and another won’t touch it with a ten-foot chop stick.

We all compartmentalize parts of our lives. We often act and feel differently at home, or in the gym than we do at work. This can come in handy for homicide detectives, morticians, and nearly every first responder job. But compartmentalization can hinder our relationships, career paths, and ability to interact in teams and community.

Those of us with DID live in multiple diversely self-made boxes. And I believe that the more we get to know the different identity states we walk in, the more we define those alter boxes. This creates well-formed alters versus nameless fragments. And yes, we create them.

We unknowingly pull from our subconscious minds information we’ve filed regarding character and personality throughout our lives. And sometimes, we also make some conscious decisions as to what we are willing to accept or not in an identity states. That may not be a popular statement, but I do believe we have a responsibility to leave evil thoughts and characteristics behind. We have the power to be honorable, righteous and sanctified.

So, are we to blur the edges of our boxes for integration? Maybe. I think I’m going to try to open some boxes.

Lifting the lids off,

Jana

P.S.: Stay safe and blessings to you.

Controversy Podcast

Look for me on CastBox, iHeart Radio, Pandora, iTunes and other Podcast streamers.
DID Inside Out, Episode 6

The recent DID YouTube controversy affected me too. In this episode I talk about how I experience DID and that it’s not something to desire. Life is only better with DID in the fact that it helps us to not have traumatic childhood memories.