Full Disclosure

Photo by Steve Leisher on Unsplash

Sitting in Judgement

People just can’t imagine what it’s like for us. We’ve all been judged for being dissociative. So, we’ve spent our lives learning how to hide the DID. We’ve been forced to call it something else, anything else, to rationalize it away. DID has been the cause of damaged relationships, misunderstandings, loss of jobs, loss of friends and deep loneliness. So, how much do we ever disclose?

I chose to tell my family and close friends.

They may not understand, but I’ve tried. I told my family and a couple of close friends, because I wanted them to understand why I did or said certain things. I’d rather they know that I’m not forgetful, or undependable, or low in character, I’m fighting a disorder that occasionally makes me that way. I want them to know that if I don’t remember something, it’s not my choice and I do deeply care about them still. I can’t control when I switch, and now they are starting to see it and can deal with it however they choose.

I find that during conversations I can tell them I’m sorry for not knowing about something we’ve already talked about. They seem to be more understanding, rather than mad at me. Honestly, it’s been pretty amazing. I’m hopeful that as time goes by my relationships with my family will only get better. I’m finding that I’m less defensive knowing that they know about my DID. I feel safer.

Defensiveness

DID is a purely defensive position. We are defending ourselves by switching. I find that I’m not as capable of being loving and compassionate toward others. It’s hard for me to reach out toward others with an open heart, because I’m so used to waiting for the next trigger to come. This makes me seem and feel very self-centered and I don’t like that. I find I have to strive to be kind, loving and caring because it doesn’t come naturally to me. Some of my alters are that way, so I seem kind and caring, but I’m not that way. I’m always waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop.

I hate being defensive, that’s why I fully disclosed my DID to my family and close friends. It was just my personal choice. It may not be yours, and that’s okay. It seems that having DID is a lot like grief — everyone does it very differently.

Food for thought,

Jana

My DID is Flaring

Or Am I Just Emotional?

I have recently had a friend tell me that I’m experiencing normal emotions and not switching alters.

I realized it’s easy to blame DID for poor character behaviors, blind spots and emotions of my core personality. I think there are times that I’m just having a bad day but want to say it’s a depressive-prone alter. By doing this, I’m not taking responsibility for my thoughts and feelings in the moment.

So, why do I think my DID is flaring?

I look at the people around me and they are consistent in mood or behavior and they follow a pretty steady and even narrow range of emotions. They get ups-and-downs but are always the same. I get way up and way down with a wide emotional range. Of course, I am also an artist/creative person, so lots of emotions come with the territory. However, I feel I can process the emotions best by compartmentalizing them into altered states of consciousness. I just can’t emotionally handle challenging information like I used to. So, I dissociate where others seem to stay even keeled.

I have come to realize that dissociation has been a great fallback when I get stressed. It’s my go-to stress fix now which really kind of sucks.

What are your experiences with daily dissociation?

Feeling abnormal,

Jana

P.S.: No wonder people say they have hundreds or thousands of alters….